Let’s talk Hard Rock Punta Cana and the Mini Bar. - warning graphic content, lots of naughty words -

I will not step foot in the Hard Rock Resort Punta Cana. This is a self imposed restriction that has NOTHING to do with the current media onslaught. Let me be very clear, the Hard Rock Punta Cana is my favorite hotel in the Dominican Republic and Drunk Me absolutely fucking LOVES the place. The second you walk into the lobby a drink is placed in your hand. Drunk Me applauds this kind of customer service. The pool parties are epic, the bartenders know how work a blender, and no one interrupts the party with annoying safety speeches or the infamous “perhaps you should have a water before we serve you another drink” Drunk Me hates that kind of Bartender talk. You can party like a rock star all day and all night at the Hard Rock and no one judges you. It’s the DR and no one gives a shit if Drunk You acts the fool. The Dominican Republic is an absolute Disney World for adults. - Here’s the key to your room, there’s the beach, there’s the swimming pool, and there is the bar with unlimited free alcohol (light shinning down from the heavens). If you wait five minutes undeniably some random dude will approach with “hello, my friend” and offer to sell you everything from Viagra to the stinky weed his Aunt grows up in the campo. WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO - lets get the party started. And that my friends, is the problem. Drunk me can definitely still party like a Rock Star, unfortunately Sober Me has aged like a bottle of cheap wine and has lost the ability to recover from Drunk Me’s partying. A three day stay at the Hard Rock equates into roughly seven days of rehabilitation before Sober Me can do anything constructive. Thus I have banned both of us from the property. Drunk Me has filed an appeal.

Most of the tourist who come to this island act exactly like Drunk Me at the Hard Rock. After fourteen hours of drinking cheap booze, sun exposure and having more sex in one night than they have had in years, the morning after is rough. Add in a pre-exisiting health issue and its a recipe for disaster. I think more than likely this is exactly what has happening in some of these reported deaths. But I am not certain that is the case with ALL of the reports.

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Let’s dive into the mainstream media cesspool. The Sun UK has reported “that nearly 70 tourists have reported becoming violently ill while vacationing on the island since March” We have read every single report on iwasposioned.com Some of the reports are obviously bullshit. You can tell almost instantly that they were written by some fool sitting in middle America who is just itching to bitch about something besides Trump. So filtering through the comments from these asshats who clearly have never set foot on the island is quite the task. But, we did it and there are some reports that seem very credible. The fact that the FBI and CDC are now working with Dominican authorities on the investigations also lends some credibility. If your bored and want to wade through reports here is the link to the website.

There is no contesting the fact that people are getting sick. Is the booze tainted, is someone intentionally harming tourists, are the resorts ignoring food safety, or is this just a case of excessive partying by people who shouldn’t be partying…? Perhaps this all just an odd coincidence? No one knows at this point and anything written at this point is pure conjecture and here is ours.

My gut feeling on all of this is that there may be some bootleg liquor floating around. It’s happened here before and it is a World Wide problem. Earlier this year, over 150 deaths were linked to methyl alcohol poisoning in India. The same type of poisonings have occurred in Mexico, Thailand, and Indonesia. How could this happen? Most foreign countries do not regulate alcohol sales and distrubiton in the same manner that North America and the European nations do. Theoretically a liquor distributor could decide to increase margin by refilling empty authentic booze bottles with a special bootleg version bought for pennies on the dollar. The bottles are then sold to the various resorts which unknowingly (benefit of the doubt) stock them in the minibars. That little bottle with Absolute ends up being closer to anti-freeze than real vodka. After a full day of partying Drunk You doesn’t notice the difference before slamming back the evening night cap and the next morning Sober You wakes up in the emergency room. We think this is the most plausible explanation and according to several news outlets so does the FBI. They are testing blood samples and are investigating the distributors and hotel minibars. We’ll report back when some solid facts are released.

Should you cancel your trip - hell no. But we do offer some precautions.

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  1. Lets skip the mini bar for now. Write yourself a note and stick it on the mini fridge. This important so that when Drunk You decides they want a night cap you’ll have a reminder from Sober You not to drink the mini booze. We need more information on this subject but iet’s fly the caution flag.

  2. If you have a pre existing medical condition, please slow your roll. The Dominican Republic is not a magical alternate universe where your bad ticker, diabetes or (fill in the blank) ailment goes away once you clear customs. This is a good time to review the caution label on those rattlers that you just stuffed into your carry on. Consuming copious amounts of alcohol combined with your Ambien script might not be a good idea and could very well land you on the front page of the NY Times.

  3. Govern your Drunkself, a huge task we know. But as discussed, the bartender is not going to cut you off here. Your new BFF brother from another mother in another country is not going to ask to see your ED prescription before selling you a brick of generic viagra... In general please understand that everything in this country is done AT YOUR OWN RISK.

  4. Bottled water, bottled water, bottled water. Hydrate and don’t let Drunk You slurp tap water from the faucet.

  5. Be selective when eating at the human food trough more commonly referred to as the “buffet” at the all inclusive resorts. When in doubt order a pizza. It’s almost impossible to fuck up a pizza and its the world wide drunk food staple.

  6. Act your age. We all love a good pool party but our old ass bodies don’t handle the excess libations in the same way that we did in the 80’s. If need be, place a self imposed ban on the places where you know your going to run into problems.

In closing, please share your love for the DR #ILUVDR. This is a rough moment and a lot of our friends and neighbors are going to feel the impact of the negative press for months to come. If you have an intellegent thought or comment on the situation we’d love to hear it.